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Mrs. Tanoy is very kuripot. When her husband died, she inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary.

The ad taker said: “300 pesos for 5 words.”

She said: “Pwede ba 2 words lang?” “Tanoy dead”

Ad taker: “No mam. 5 words is the minimum.”

After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: “Ok, para sulit, ilagay mo,”TANOY DEAD, TOYOTA FOR SALE ”

Tags: matipid, mrs

Nagkita sina Jayson at Justin sa isang bus stop at nag-usap sila. Panay-panay ang kwento ni Justin ng mga problema sa kanyang pamilya.

Hanggang si Jayson ang nagsalita: “Pare, sa tingin mo, nakakaloko ang mga problema mo sa pamilya mo? Tingnan mo naman ang sitwasyon ko:”

“Ilang taon na ang nakararaan, nakilala ko ang isang biyuda na may isang dalagang anak. Nagpakasal kami, kaya nagkaroon ako ng isang stepdaughter. Hindi nagtagal, pinakasalan ng tatay ko ang stepdaughter ko.”

“Kaya ang nangyari, ang stepdaughter ko ay stepmother ko rin, at ang tatay ko ay stepson ko rin. Ang misis ko ay naging mother-in-law ng kanyang father-in-law. Biyenang babae ng kanyang biyenang lalaki, ika nga.”

“Ang anak na babae ng aking asawa, ang aking stepmother, ay nagkaroon ng anak na lalaki. Ang sanggol na ito ay half-brother ko dahil anak siya ng aking ama. Pero dahil anak siya ng anak ng aking asawa, apo siya ng aking asawa. Kaya lolo ako ng aking kapatid sa ama.”

“Okey pa sana ito, hanggang nagkaroon kami ng asawa ko ng isang anak na lalaki. Ang half-sister ng aking anak, ang aking stepmother, ay lola rin niya. Kaya ang tatay ko ay brother-in-law ng aking anak, na ang stepsister ay asawa ng aking anak.”

“Kung gayon, ako ay brother-in-law ng aking stepmother. Ang asawa ko ay tiyahin ng sarili niyang anak. Ang anak ko ay pamangkin ng aking ama, at ang sarili ko ay lolo ko!!!!!

O, hindi ka ba nahilo?

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.

‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now!!!’

FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

isang babae kinaladkad ng isang lolo sa damuhan

girl: lolo kahit anong gawin mo hindi mo ako mare-rape

lolo: watch me nag-flanax ata ako.. hehe

The director advertises that he needs a secretary. Necessary skills: document forming, IT-knowledge and a foreign language. After a couple of days a dog walks in.

“I’m an open minded person,” the pale-turned boss stutters, “but I need someone who can form documents…”

The dog sits down behind the computer and compiles a totally decent business letter.

“Yes, but the IT-knowledge…”

The dog quickly writes a little program.

“Well, but foreign language?” the totally amazed director asks.

“Meow!” says the dog.

A policeman complains to the doctor:

“I get home after work and kiss my wife. But her forehead always starts to bleed. What’s wrong with her?”

“Oh, that is a very common case,” the doctor says. “Many of your collegues have seen me with the same problem. All you have to do is to take off your police cap before you kiss your wife.”

“That’s just nice, doctor! Next thing you might want me to take my whistle out of my mouth before kissing, too.”

Question 1: Anong banko ang laging nalulug?

Answer: BANK-RUPCY

Question 2: Ano ang pinakamasarap na pukyutan?

Answer: JOLLIBEE

Question 3: Anong paboritong gatas ng mga oso.

Answer: BEAR BRAND

A wife sends her husband to a grocery store:

“And don’t forget to buy the milk, do you hear me?!”

“I hear you…”

“And take the low fat one, don’t mix up!”

“Take it easy, I won’t…”

“And don’t buy wine instead, like you did the last time, do you remember?!”

“Of course I remember…”

“And no beer, like the time before that, do you get it?!”

“I do, I do….”

“Well, go then!”

Ten minutes later in the grocery store:

“What did she tell me to buy – was it wine or beer? Oh, well, I’ll better take both, just in case.”

Two friends meet:

I bought scottish shepherd yesterday and he has scared all my neighbours already!

He is barking too loud, isn’t he?

He doesn’t bark at all! But his kilt and bagpipes!