Two friends meet:

“How are you?”

“Don’t even get me started! I found a screw wrench in my bed, yesterday. I think my wife is cheating on me with a machinist.”

“That’s just bollocks! I found my wife in bed with a machinist, yesterday. Are you telling me that she’s cheating on me with an engine?!”

Three blonds talking:

“I found cigarettes in my daughters purse. I think she has become a smoker.”

“I found cocaine in my daughters purse. I think she has become a junkie.”

“I found condoms in my daughters purse… Oh my God! I think she has become a man!!!”

A man calls for an ambulance for his wife. When the ambulance has arrived, the doctor wants to see the patient immediately. He comes out of the bedroom after a minute and asks the husband for a hammer. After another couple of minutes he wants a chisel. Then the pincers. And then a screwdriver.

“But doctor, what are you doing to my wife?” the worried husband demands to know.

“I’m doing nothing to your wife,” the doctor replies, “I’m having trouble opening my medical suitcase.”

Summer. Two ukrainian farmers walk on the road. One of them stoppes suddenly, stares around with unbelief in his eyes, and asks from another: 

“Why, Vlass, did you see what I saw? Did three headless cyclists just drive by?“ 

“Yes, Mykola, they did,” answers Vlass. “I think you might want to carry your scythe on another shoulder.”

magbigay ka ng 3 prutas na nagtatapos sa letter “T”
example : coconut

ano pa

ito pa kung nahi2rapan ka Duhat..

isa na lng mrami pa !!

bananat,bayabat,ubat,santot,

Vampire 1: Namumutla ka lalo a, may sakit ka ba?

Vampire 2: Oo, iyong nasipsip ko may severe anemia pala kaya nahawaan tuloy ako.

Vampire 1: E, papano iyan?

Vampire 2: Punta ako sa hospital, magpapaabono ako ng dugo.

Vampire 1: Ano ba iyong type ng dugo mo, A, B , O?

Vampire 2: Di ako sure, basta nasa A up to Z iyon.

Manager: O Pedro, bakit di mo sinulatan iyong SEX: dito sa biodata mo.

Pedro: Pasensya na po Sir, di ko na kasi mabilang kong ilang beses na.

Sa emergency room:

Husband:Honey,may ipagtatapat ako sa ‘yo.Baka kasi di na ako magtatagal.

Wife:Huwag mong sabihin iyan Darling, mabubuhay ka pa nang matagal. Ano ba iyong ipagtapat mo sa ‘kin ha.

Husband: May relasyon kami ni Mareng Auring. Buntis siya ngayon.

Wife: Ganon ba! Nurse… nurse… huwag niyo nang tulungan ang asawa ko para matuluyan na.

1. Cashew Nut. Don’t tell me you’re sorry Cashew Nut. ~ (UNFAITHFUL-Rihanna)
2. Ginabing Kokey. Just dance, ginabing kokey. Dadoodoom. (JUST DANCE-Lady Gaga)
3. Come back to me. Come back to me bok ang puso. Wala ka ng magagawa kundi sundin ito.
4. Kangkong, Kangkong, Greenwich, Tomato. New York..kangkong, kangkong, greenwich, tomato. Now you’re in New York! New York! (EMPIRE STATE OF MIND- Alicia Keys)
5. Sinigang. Sinigaaang! Sandal ka lang. At wag mong pipigilan.~
6. Solusyon. Solusyon, sa Visayas, at sa Mindanao! (WOWOWEE Theme Song)
7. Civil War. Civil war ang tunay na mahirap. Civil war ang tunay na may malasakit. (MANNY VILLAR Campaign song)
8. Inday. Indaaaaaay will always love you. (I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU-Whitney Houston)
9. Avril Lavigne. Avril Lavigne yooou forever. Deep inside my heart it’s yooou forever. (FOREVER-Damage)

10.  Ay Dyusko! Ay dyusko to say I love you, Ay dyusko to say how much I care. (I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU-Stevie Wonder)

11.  Phone na Nokia. Phone na Nokia, di sinasadya. Di kayang magtapat ang puso ko.

12.  Kamuning. Kamuning get me, get me, get me. Baby i’m yours. Kaamuning get me.

13.  Russian Patay. Wise men say, only fools Russian, patay can’t help, fallin in love with you.

14.  Terminal. Terminal..every now and then i get a little bit lonely.. (TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART)

15.  Alfred. Alfred my wings and i learned how to fly..

16.  Bumili ng bagong folding bed. Bumili ng bagong folding bed (MAD AT YOU- Neyo).

17.  Pikachu. No, I don’t wanna go to bed (pikachu). (MAD AT YOU- Neyo)

18.  Fire, apoy. If fire apoy, I think I could understand. (IF I WERE A BOY- Beyonce)

19.  River boat. River boat young when I first saw you. I close my eyes. (LOVE STORY- Taylor Swift)

20.  Lady Gaga. Kung Lady Gaga ka.. sa piling ng iba..

21.  Para, Mamang Taxi. I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me. Para, mamang taxi. (PAPARAZZI- Lady Gaga)

22.  Nido Gatas. I Nido boo, gatas see you boo.. and the hearts all over the world tonight. said the hearts all over the world tonight.

23.  I-autoload mo ako. How much? Magkano? Nothing’s gonna change my love for you, i-autoload mo ko. how much? magkano?

24.  Soon to Open: Pan de Manila. Uno, dos, tres, soon to open Pan de Manila.

25.  Pritong Saba, Pritong Mani, Sinigang, Kare-kare. Pritong saba, pritong mani, sinigang, kare-kare. Hallelu— Hallelujah.

26.  Tagabitbit Putobumbong. Tagabitbit. Tagabitbit. Tagabet bet bet bet bet. Putobumbong. putobumbong. Putobumbong.

27.  Kabag Again. Now i’m speechless, over the edge of this breathless. I never thought that I would catch this, the kabag again.

28.  Melon, Kangkong, Mais, Gulaman, Talong. Melon kangkang mais gulaman. Maari bang mag-talong?

29.  Medicine. Bayang magiliw.. medi-cine.

30.  Kinurot ko. Kinurut-kurot ko pa. Kinurot ko. Kinurut-kurot ko pa. (intro – always be my baby – mariah)

31.  The Hill and Cow. The hill and cow ang sigaw ng puso ko. Ikaw ang nasa isip ko.

32.  Honda. Honda first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me.

33.  Honda ulit! Honda wings of love! Up and above the clouds the only way to fly, is Honda Wings of Love.

34.  Pacquiao. But it’s over now. Come on and take Pacquiaooo.

35.  Lasengga. All lasengga ladies. All lasengga ladies. Put your hands up!

36.  Twenty-one. 7 + 7 + 7.. Twenty-one.. 7 x 7 x 7, yan ang hindi ko alam!

37.  BDO. Watch me on your BDO Phone. BDO phone.

38.  Dina Bonnevie, Gary V. Dina Bonnevie my lover, Gary V with my friends.

39.  Lactum. I Lactum move it move it!

41.  Pulis may wang-wang. Pulis may wang-wang-wang! Shorty fire burning on the dance floor. Ooh~

42.  Tuna Pie. Tuna pie, tuna limit, tuna wall~ for a chance to be with you i’d rather risk it all. Tuna pie, tuna fever come what may! ~

43.  China. Chinaaa~ ika’y muling makita ko. Damhin ang tibok ng puso mo.

44.  Buko Shake. Voulez buko shake avec moi ce soir. Voulez buko shake avec moi ye ye ye ye.

45.  Mighty Mouse. Mighty mouse outside Chicago. Can’t stop driving I don’t know why~

46.  Brunei. May nagmamahal, aakay sa’yo. Aking Brunei ikaw ang nagbigay ng buhay kooo~

47.  What can be? What can be? bitiw bigla. What can be? bitiw bigla. Higpitan lang ang yong kapit..

48.  Coca Cola. Coca cola na lang sana ang iyong minahal, di ka na muling mag-iisa.

49.  We were Aswang. We were aswang babe. For a moment in time.

50.  Little Manuel. I’m not crazy, I’m just a little manuel. I know, right know you can’t tell.

51.  Abby. Abby loving you~ forever! Deep inside my heart its you. Forever.

52.  Lesbians. So lesbians, lesbians for love. Lesbians, lesbians tonight!

53.  I’m a friend. I’m a friend to fly. and I don’t know why?

54.  Korina – Mar Roxas. Oooh~ ooh~ Korina-Mar Roxas.

55.  MOA. Girl you know MOAAA, girl you know MOAAA. (birthday sex)

56.  Thesis. Thesis the moment, my final test.

57.  Cheesy palaman sa tasty. No he can’t read my poker face (cheesy-palaman-sa-tasty). popopoker face popopoker face.

58.  New Zealand. New Zealand ka sa mundong ito. Laking tuwa ng magulang mo.

59.  Knock knock. Knock knockaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura?

60.  Canada. Nakaligo Canada sa dagat ng basura? (OMFVillar! WTF! LSS!)

61.  Joana. I joana close my eyes! I joanna fall asleep.

62.  Pussy Cat. Mag-pussycat! mag-pussycat. Dito sa showtime lahat tayo pussycat!

In the hospital

Husband: (Balikbayan) Honey, bakit  mukhang Amerkano ‘tong anak natin, wala naman sa lahi natin ito a.

Wife: Di ba Hon,mahilig ka sa imported. Iyong mga kotse natin, German made. Iyong  appliances natin halos mga Japan made. E, iyong  jewelries naman natin, mostly mga European made. Kaya itong baby natin,  may pagka American made.