In the bed:

Babae: Dahan-dahan lang, ang bilis mo naman.

Lalaki: Bakit ang hirap napakasikip ng ano mo. Wow! virgin ka pa ata a.

Babae: E, di mo kasi hinubad iyong stocking ko.

At Police Station:

Dalaga: Sir, kakasuhan ko po iyong kapitbahay kong si Toto pogi.

Police: Ano ang isasampang kaso mo sa kanya.

Dalaga: Attempted rape po Sir.

Police: E, Baka puedeng maayos niyong dalawa iyan, �total di naman natuloy iyong rape.

Dalaga: Kaya nga nagdedemanda ako Sir, �dahil di pa niya itinuloy.

Ang ihi pag matamis, may diabetes ka.

Pag maalat, may kidney trouble ka.

Pag maasim, acidic ka.

Pero pag ininom mo, may brain problem ka.

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE HIDING UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM :

‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy..’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the psychiatrist. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.

‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.

‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

‘Is that so ?!’ With a bit of annoyance he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – There is nobody under it now !!!

TO HELL WITH THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER !!

May dalawang mag-asawa na ulianin. Marami na silang nakakalimutan kaya nagpunta sila sa doktor. . .

Doktor : Wala naman pong problema sa inyo. Ang gawin n’yo nalang, isulat nyo kung anong gusto n’yo matandaan.

Mag-Asawa : Thank you po!

Pagdating sa bahay. . .

Babae : Paki kuha naman ako ng ice cream.

Lalaki : O sige!

Babae : Isulat mo para hindi mo makalimutan.

Lalaki : Ano ka? Matatandaan ko yun! Kailangan mo ng ice cream!

Babae : Tapos gusto ko ng strawberry toppings. O, siguro naman susulat mo na para matandaan mo.

Lalaki : Ay naku! Matatandaan ko yun! Kailangan mo ng ice cream na may strawberry toppings!

Babae : O sige. Ay oo nga pala! Gusto ko ng whip cream kasama sa ice cream. O ano? Susulat mo na ba?

Lalaki :Hindi! Matatandaan ko yun! Kailangan mo ng ice cream na may strawberry toppings na may kasamang whip cream!

Tapos pagbalik ng lalaki sa kwarto nila. . .

Babae : Bakit dinalan mo ako ng bacon at itlog? Nasaan na yung tinapay ko?

MAPALAD KA RIZAL ANDYAN KA SA PISO..

MAPALAD KA RIZAL IKAW ANG AMING HERO…

MAPALAD KA RIZAL IKA`Y MAY MONUMENTO..

PERO MALAS KA RIZAL,,,

IKAW AY NASA SEMENTO

JECKO_16

anak:tay ano po ang english sa kape

tay:adi gay 3 in 1

anak:kala ko po e coffee?

tay:coffee, kung walang asukal

Another little gem that hit my mailbox.

A very nice “story” in a charming literary style that only pinoys can weld.

Here goes:

—————
Sequel to A Love Story

It was jazz an ordinary day. The skies were clear, the birds were chipping. Ang ganda-ganda ng araw!

Nasa SM ako noon at katatapos ko lang mamili ng groceries. Timing naman nasa foodcore si Angel Locsin, nagpro-provoke ng movie nya. Grabe, andaming fans, pull-packed talaga! Dahil fans nya rin ako, nakipila rin ako.

Then suddenly, out of the loo, may bumulong sa akin ng: “Indaaaayyyy……”

Huh? It sounded like a familiar sound. Who can it be now? “Dodong!” sigaw ko.

Napalakas yata voice ko. Kasi the other fans turned their backs to their behind at napatingin sa amin. Sabi ko “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be loud and proud.” Hinawakan na lang ni Dodong ang kamay ko at lumayo kami from the crowd.

“Kamusta na Inday? Do you come here open? tanong nya.

“Bihira lang, Dodong. I’m just droppings by. Ethnic and schedule ko eh” sabi ko.

Memories came flushing in my mind. How can I forget to remember Dodong? Siya na may mata ni Piolo, dimple ni Aga, at bigote ni Rex Cortez. he’s every woman’s dreamboat. I was just starting my tour of duty kay ate noon nang unang makilala ko si Dodong. Contraction worker siya sa ginagawang bahay sa tapat namin. Naging kami for a while then after that were not an item anymore.

“Tanghali na Inday. What did you say we have lunch together?” tanong ni Dodong. “I don’t mine” sagot ko. Sa restaurant, nilapitan kaagad kami ng waiter. “What’s your odor sir?” Sabi nung waiter kay Dodong.

“Do you have porkshop?” tanong ni Dodong.

“Yes sir” sabi nito. “Our porkshop with a resistance to the teeth of Boast of our chef. Domestic careful selection of pork with little fat of Female liking is used. The exquisite cooking which repeated trial and error and Was completed. it also has healthy vegetables with salad feeling fully” Dagdag niya.

“And you mam?” sabay tingin naman sa akin.

Hmmm… mukhang masarap yung porkshop. Pero I’m cutting down on my carbon kaya pinigilan ko.

“I’ll just have water, thanks. Liquidate diet ako eh.” sagot ko.

Pagkatapos kumain, nagyaya si Dodong manood ng sine. Teka teka, this is going too far. Besides, it’s a long, long way to run.

“Reality chess, Dodong. May asawa na ako, si Jay. As a mother of fact, I’m happily married” pagmamalaki ko.

“Di na pwede yung tulad ng dati. Sorry pero I didn’t expect you still have more feelings than I expected. i don’t want you getting the way. Past is fast. Therefore, cause and defect.” dagdag ko pa.

Tumahimik sya. Parang may language barrel na namagitan sa amin. The Seconds that passed seemed like fraternity. Di nagla-on, nagsalita na rin sya.

“I don’t care less!” sigaw ni Dodong.

Shocks, give me a brake! The nerd ng taong ito para sigawan ako! To Think it’s his other woman that caused our separation to part.

Kinabahan na ako. I felt speedbumps all over my body and was having Panic attach. Tinalikuran ko siya at nagmadali akong lumakad palayo. Pero Sumunod pa rin siya like a monkey on my butt. Hanggang sa makakita ako ng Security guard. Biglang nawala si Dodong.

“Excuse me kuya, pwedeng magtanong?” sabi ko sa mamang guard.

“Of course miss, I can help you with my pleasure.” sagot niya.

“Saan po ba ang exit? Could you point me to the right erection? I got Lost in my eyes.”

“Diretso lang.” sabi niya. “Then turn right anytime with care.”

“Thanks for your corporation” sabi ko.

Buti na lang nandun si kuya. Pero saglit lang, I smell something peachy. As I turned, nakita ko na namang nakasunod si Dodong! Delaying static lang pala kanina ang pag disappear nya.

“Nyahahaha! You can run but you can hide, Inday. No matter where you go, there you are!” pananakot nya.

Oh no, is this the end? This is too much, I feel degradable. My world started falling afar.

Then suddenly, Jay come from behind! Dodong was caught to the act! In the matter of minute, it’s all over. I’m out of arm’s way.

“Thanks Jay, my love. But how did you?” bago pa man ako matapos, sabi niya:

“I was in the neighborhood. Fans din ako ni Angel eh. I heard you shout But at first I didn’t give it a thought. Pero nang makita ko kayong magkahawak ng holding hands, then i give it a thought. I know something is a missed.”

From then on, Dodong did not brother me again. In fact, he didn’t even sister me. As in platonic at wala na talaga.

Pero kami ni Jay, heto, shoot sailing pa rin ang relationship. Lalo pa ngayon, open na kami sa isa’t-isa at walang exhibitions. i feel I’m on cloud.

———-

Hahaha! Hope you lyk this luv istorya.

This is one email that I would like to share. Not actually a Filipino joke, but am sure you will also enjoy these jokes too.

The jokes are about Kulula Airline which has its head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

——————————————————————–

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

—o0o—

On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

—-o0o—

On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

—-o0o—

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

—o0o—

“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

—o0o—

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

—o0o—

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

—o0o—

From a Kulula employee: ” Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

—o0o—

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”

—o0o—

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”

—-o0o—

“Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

—o0o—

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses..”

—o0o—

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

—o0o—

Heard on a Kulula flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”

1. I lost my number. Can I have yours?
2.  I forgot your name. Can I call you mine?
3.  Pustiso ka ba? Kasi I can’t smile without you.
4.  Nabibingi ka na ba? Coz my heart has been screaming out your name
   for quite some time now.
5. Tapos na ba ung exam mo? Para ako naman sagutin mo.
6. Alam mo ba na scientist ako? At ikaw yung LAB ko.
7.  May lisensya ka ba? Coz you’re driving me crazy.
8. May kilala ka bang gumagawa ng relo? May sira ata relo ko. Pag ikaw
   kasi kasama ko, humihinto ang oras ko.
9.  Aanhin pa ang gravity, kung lagi lang akong mahuhulog sa iyo?
10. Mahilig ka ba magluto na pancit canton? Kasi pag kasama kita,feeling ko, “LUCKY ME.”
11.  Am I a bad shooter? Coz I keep on missing you.
12. Favorite subject mo ba geometry? Kasi kahit anong angle, ang cute mo.
13. Hindi tayo tao, hindi rin tayo hayop. Bagay tayo! Bagay!!!
14.  Pwede ba kitang maging sidecar? Kasi single kasi ako!
15. Pwede ba kitang maging driver? Para ikaw na magpatakbo ng buhay ko.
16. Nasaan ka kagabi? Wala ka kasi sa panaginip ko.
17. BOY: Is this seat taken? GIRL: NO, and so am I.