EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.

‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now!!!’

FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

Mrs. Agathe’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. Oh, and by the way…don’t worry about my Doberman. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!” Continue Reading

1. What did the duck say to the comedian after the show?
You really quacked me up.

2. Why do birds fly south?
It’s too far to walk.

3. What do you give a pig with a rash?
Oinkment Continue Reading

Did you know that the Oxford Dictionary updated the definition of the the following words?

Why not read on ——————

* Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

* Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

* Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”

* Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Continue Reading

This is for all the Filipinos out there, and those who are lucky enough to have Filipino friends, those who have Filipino spouses and those who have Filipino next door neighbors.

The story goes like this:

An elderly foreigner lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite food, Filipino Lumpia.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled to the kitchen.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite food, LUMPIA .

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Filipino wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture…his parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the lumpia was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on to a lumpia,

when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife:

“Git out op here!” she shouted. “dis are por your puneral !”

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won’t float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.

Now…

The Alphabet

A’s for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C’s the chest pains,

perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure–I’d rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy,” you know.

W is for worry, NOW what’s going ’round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have– in my mind.

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

( o ) ( o ) Full breasts

( * )( * ) High nipple breasts

( @ )( @ ) Big nipple breasts

(o)(o) A cups

( O )( O ) DD cups

(oYo) Wonderbra breasts

( p )( p ) Breasts with hanging tassles

\./\./ Grandma’s breasts

A couple met in one of the golf courses in the Bahamas and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations are over.

“It’s only fair to warn you, Rica,” he said. “I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.”

“Well, since you’re being honest, so will I,” Rica said. “I’m a hooker.”

“I see,” he said glumly. Then brightening, he smiled. “it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”