The man in the bar was about as drunk as it’s possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, “We brought your husband home.”

The wife asks, “Where’s his wheelchair?”

SOME NEWS: Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. You are going to die anyway, so live life (and don’t worry so much).  

Southerner’s Medical Dictionary 

Artery…………………………. The study of paintings

Bacteria……………………… Back door to the cafeteria 

Barium………………………. What doctors do when patients die 

Benign………………………. What you be, after you be eight 

Caesarean Section………. A neighborhood in Rome  

Cat scan……………………. Searching for Kitty 

Cauterize…………………… Made eye contact with her 

Colic……………………………. A sheep dog 

Coma…………………………. A punctuation mark 

Dilate…………………………. To live long 

Enema……………………….. Not a friend 

Fester……………………….. Quicker than someone else 

Fibula……………………….. A small lie 

Impotent……………………. Distinguished, well known 

Labor Pain………………. Getting hurt at work 

Medical Staff………………. A Doctor’s cane 

Morbid………………………. A higher offer 

Nitrates…………………….. Cheaper than day rates 

Node………………………… I knew it 

Outpatient…………………. A person who has fainted 

Pelvis……………………….. Second cousin to Elvis 

Post Operative……………. A letter carrier 

Recovery Room…………. Place to do upholstery 

Rectum…………………….. Damn near killed him 

Secretion………………….. Hiding something 

Seizure…………………….. Roman emperor 

Tablet……………………….. A small table 

Terminal Illness…………. Getting sick at the airport 

Tumor……………………….. One plus one more 

Urine………………………… Opposite of you’re out

Fact  or fiction (you make the  call):      

1.  Marriages  are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.      

2.  After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each  other, but, they still stay together.      

3.  Married  life is very frustrating.       

.In the first year  of marriage, the man speaks and the woman  listens.       

.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.       

.In the third year, they  both speak and the neighbours listen..      

4. When a  man opens the door of his car for his wife, you  canbe sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.      

5.  Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which  one.      

6.  Before  marriage, a man will lie awake all night  thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.      

7.  Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.        

8.  They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before  marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.      

9.  A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT” when every time the  husband asks for sex she objects!        

10.  Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.        

11.  There  are two  four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and  “stop”,  unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).

12.  Marriage  is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s  Degree.

13.  In  marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her  husband.

14.  Marriage is love. Love is blind.

Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

15.  There  are 3 stages of SEX in a married life: 

Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.

16.  LOVE is a  long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.

17.  When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.

But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

18.  Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.

Ang makatang sampay-bakod

Here’s something for your coffee break……….

BUTI PA SIYA

Buti pa ang kalendaryo, may date Buti pa ang Hersheys, may kisses Buti pa ang probability, may chance YUNG IBANG TAO, WALA.

Buti pa ang Paranaque, may BF Buti pa ang farm, may chicks Buti pa ang halaman, may nagaalaga YUNG IBANG TAO, WALA.

Buti pa ang nitso, may bulaklak Buti pa ang patay, may dumadalaw Buti pa ang prisoner, binabantayan YUNG IBANG TAO, BALIWALA.

Buti pa ang tennis, may love Buti pa ang bees, may honey Buti pa ang Chemistry, may lab YUNG IBANG TAO, WALA.

Buti pa ang telepono, hini-hello Buti pa ang film, nadi-develop Buti pa ang typewriter, nata-type-pan YUNG IBANG TAO, HINDI.

Buti pa ang exams, sinasagot Buti pa ang problema, iniisip Buti pa ang assignment, inu-uwi YUNG IBANG TAO, HINDI.

Buti pa ang panyo, nadadantayan ng pisngi Buti pa ang baso, dinadampian ng labiButi pa ang unan, inaakap sa gabi YUNG IBANG TAO, HINDI PUEDE.

Buti pa ang kamalian, napapansin Buti pa ang salamin, minamasdan Buti pa ang hininga, hinahabol YUNG IBANG TAO, HINDI

Buti pa ang tindera, nagpapatawad Buti pa ang awit at tugtog, pinagsasama Buti pa ang sugat, inaalagaan YUNG IBANG TAO, HINDI

Buti pa ang lungs, malapit sa puso Buti pa ang bra, kakabit ng dibdib Buti pa ang kotse, mahal YUNG IBANG TAO, HINDI

Buti pa ang pera, ini-ingatan Buti pa ang mahjong, sinasalat Buti pa ang damo, dinidiligan YUNG IBA DIYAN, HINDI

Buti pa ang sobre, nadidilaan Buti pa ang susi, naipapasok Buti pa ang itlog, binabati YUNG SA IBA DIYAN, HINDI

Buti pa ang doorbell, pinipindot Buti pa ang keyboard, napi-finger Buti pa ang bola, nilalaro YUNG SA IBA DIYAN, HINDI

BUTI PA………… MAGTRABAHO KA NA AT BAKA MASISANTE KA PA.

Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power;

At 43, quits drinking. Will Power;

At 53, quits gambling. Will Power;

At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure.

Boy: Nay may ulam ba?

Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak.

Boy: Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?

Nanay: O, e di wala tayong ulam. Konting common sense naman dyan!

Mrs. Tanoy is very kuripot. When her husband died, she inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary.

The ad taker said: “300 pesos for 5 words.”

She said: “Pwede ba 2 words lang?” “Tanoy dead”

Ad taker: “No mam. 5 words is the minimum.”

After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: “Ok, para sulit, ilagay mo,”TANOY DEAD, TOYOTA FOR SALE ”

Tags: matipid, mrs

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE HIDING UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM :

‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy..’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the psychiatrist. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.

‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.

‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

‘Is that so ?!’ With a bit of annoyance he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – There is nobody under it now !!!

TO HELL WITH THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER !!